Where were the warning signs?
Before you go to college no one ever writes up a blueprint or hands you a script on how to be an adult or handle real-life situations. I remember picking my schedule but I don’t remember anyone giving me the heads up on depression. Where were the smoke signals for the high-stress levels? Was anyone ever gonna tap me on the shoulder and tell me I was headed down the wrong path? If someone would have told me that by the age of 20, I would be failing my courses, depressed for almost 2 years and losing myself because of meaningless situations with guys, I would have laughed! But that was me, pieces of where my story began and felt like it was ending all in one.
I’ve always been the girl who believed and dreamed of love. I had my life mapped out and I knew what I wanted at such a young age, kids and marriage did not sound so bad. Little did I know, I would have the most awful dating encounters and guys who only wanted to lead me on. 'Til this day I’ve never had a real commitment, I was never given the “girlfriend” title. I did everything to please guys and got nothing in return.
There was one guy in particular, very charming. He painted a picture for me, a world of love for us that never existed. Instead, he had a box full of lies, 3 kids, a baby mother that he wanted to go be with again, took money and never gave it back, oh yeah and he gave me a little present. The present was a sti, with a pregnancy scare and on top of that blocked me from his phone and social media as though I was the bad guy. That cold cold year I failed 3 classes, loss a nice amount of hair, weight was up and down and I stayed in my apartment for weeks.
One day I turned on the radio and I heard a gospel song, I turned it up, went into my walk-in closet and sat on the floor, just thinking and tryna group up the strength to create positive thoughts. That day in that closet I decided I didn’t want to be a victim anymore, I no longer wanted to feel helpless. I began praying, harder than I ever prayed. I didn’t leave the house just yet but I kept praying. Days went by and I finally decided to get dressed and go to the mall but my hair!! How could I leave out with bald spots all over?? The first step to my transformation would be a new cut. That was such an emotional day because my hair was something I loved, took years to grow but it’s just hair, right? I got it cut and hated it, I cried for days but it pushed me to gain some confidence and learn how to rock it.
I started to come around and get out more. I eventually started to spend Sundays at church and I was feeling more uplifted. I took summer classes and got my grades on track, graduating on time and feeling so much weight off my shoulders. I had a ton of friendships end and I wasn’t the same person I was when I walked onto that campus but I gained valuable lessons.
I learned not to put so much faith into others but to give it all to God, I learned that knowing your worth is one of the most important things you can know and lastly that the mistakes you make don’t define who you are. Some days I still have to remember I’m worth so much more and I’m not perfect. College was there to make me into a better woman and I’m at peace with that.
- Signed, Anonmyously.