THE BEAUTIFUL BEAST: THE MODEL MOM UNMASKED
I went to get a facial. I have struggled with hyper-pigmentation and acne all my life that’s the reason I developed a love for makeup. On this day, I was going to get the second of 3 treatments that was supposed break up the dark pigments on my face. I went into the office and was out 5 minutes later. That was unusual because the last time I had the treatment, it took about 15 minutes. The Esthetician was rushing to get to another appointment. I knew something was wrong during the process and advised her it hurt worse this time around. She said everything was fine. She put some lotion on my face and sent me on my way.
When I got to my vehicle I looked in my mirror. That’s when I saw a completely white patch on my face. There was no skin. Each second I sat there, my face started burning more and more and while I was looking at it, It was getting darker and darker. I flew back up to the those stairs.The esthetician was already gone, she left as soon as I did. I told the staff what was happening.These photos are an end result of that day. My skin had 2nd degree burns. There were a whole host of thoughts that went through my head but the number one was that I was ugly. I cancelled all appearances and did not leave the house for 2 weeks. I didn’t want anybody to see me “like this” what would they say…the haters gonna laugh, the associates are going to feel sorry for me, and the rest of the world would just see me as ugly. I didn’t want any of that and even though my man kept saying its ok and he didn’t fall in love with my face, I was like spshhhh yeah ok! Come on, I am known as the Model Mom and even though it means role-model,….people identify me as a model, as pretty, beautiful, and I want to look pretty for my future husband! Will my face ever be the same? Will it be worse than when I went in? Why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? The previous pigmentation wasn’t even that bad, now look at me!
I couldn’t leave well enough alone because my appearance has been a journey since I was young. I was the darkest girl with light skin siblings and mother. I was the ugly duckling, I was the one who was told models don’t look like you. I was the one who was called “blacky”. I was the one who was treated differently, abused, left alone, so of course I associated it with me not looking like everyone else. I was the one who will never show my youth photos because I looked liked OG Bobby Johnson from South Central! No lie!
I committed myself to my outward appearance because my inside was torn apart. At one point in my life, I went to a therapist who I told that I was experiencing depression. She laughed at me and said depressed people don’t look like you! No one would ever know the internal battles that lead me to today. Make-up was covering my pains. I figured you should never let them see you broken. So no one ever did……
I have grown and healed from my brokenness and now I help others do the same but baby it did something to me to not be able to wear make-up. I drank wine to get to sleep, I cried every time I had to wash my face because it hurt and because it was so ugly to me. I had to face my face. I relied on God to help me to continue to see my true beauty. There was a tug of war going on. Half the time my flesh wanted to just cry and feel sorry for myself but God had other plans. During that 2 weeks my focus intensified on God. I could feel the shifting of my mind and emotion toward my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t feel worried anymore. I realize that fear of rejection is what kept me in that funky place and God reminded me that I was so much more than my face/appearance. The skin is growing back and I am now able to wear make-up but I have a totally different emotion toward it. Lipstick is no longer my coping mechanism. Makeup is still a love of mine but the full me, my wisdom from experiences, my love for God and others, my strength during adversity is what truly makes me beautiful and whomever cannot see that is trapped in their own warped reality….and that’s none of my business.