I WAS NEVER THE SAME... BUT GOD.
At 25 my life has been a roller coaster. You know the kind that slowly elevates only to get you high in sky and drop you so hard and fast that your heart hits your pinky toe.
That’s how it felt the first time he touched me. My heart stopped, dropped and skipped 10 beats.
Oh what a life! I had everything a little girl could ask for. Elaborate birthday parties, every doll, outfit, and shoe I could ask for, food in my tummy, and anything else God could’ve blessed me with.
The only thing missing was my innocence. It was never lost or given away to a man who I thought I’d spend my life with. It was stolen by my older brother(step brother actually). Someone who I feel was supposed to help my Dad protect me from all the conniving men of the World, decided that he would “train me” to be HIS.
The first time was terrifying. I was shook. My siblings and I never had to share rooms, but my Mom made sure we had an extra bed in our rooms for company. I can still see everything clearly. This day me and all my siblings were in my youngest sisters room watching SpaceJam with the lights off. I don’t know how I ended up on the extra twin sized bed with my brother, but I did. While everyone else indulged in the movie, he was slipping his hand under the covers. I was scared to scream because he was so much bigger than me, I was only 8 and he was 13. I vividly remember my mother walk into the room and ask was everyone ok & did we need anything. She even turned on the light and asked what we were doing under the covers. I had goosebumps because he was squeezing my thigh & I was pleading with God in my mind PLEASE LET MY MOMMY PULL BACK THESE COVERS! Unfortunately she didn’t.
After that I was NEVER the same. By the time I was 12, he’d taken my virginity. He taught me that he was the only man who’d love me and provide for me. And he did just that. No one ever questioned his love for me, the things he bought, or the fact he was really over protective. I lost a lot of trust in people because of this.
By the time I was 16, my stepbrother was my boyfriend. I was lost MENTALLY. I had given up on being rescued from the situation and became complacent. As horrible as it sounds, he had trained me. I was old enough to know better but I was caught up in the nice things and still kind of scared to tell. For years this secret relationship carried on and kept me depressed. Every time I ended a relationship I knew I could run to him for comfort because he’d become my best friend. In the same breath I’d cry myself to sleep confused about life. What I was doing was wrong as hell, I couldn’t keep a man, I didn’t know if was going right or left.
It wasn’t until I was 19 and I sat down and talked to God one day asking him to remove all negative people and situations from my life. It was my first time really praying willingly as far as I can remember.
Shortly after my brother was sent to prison. It’s sad he had to go but I couldn’t have been happier! With him being there, I wasn’t scared to dismiss him anymore. I wrote him a letter filled with hurt and regret, explaining how I’d been feeling for years. After no response for weeks, I finally got a phone call with nothing but apologies. Not making any excuses for him but he was lost himself. He and his Mother had been getting beat by his stepfather amongst an array of other life situations. I felt so bad for him and by the end of that conversation we cried together, I forgave him, and we completed it with a prayer.
I hung up that phone and I praised GOD! I praised him for bringing me through and cleansing my spirit! Because years ago, before I knew how POWERFUL God was, you couldn’t have told me that would happen. As a little girl I planned on how I’d harm him. That was nothing but the Devil. I thanked God for so many things that day that I NEVER thought I’d be thankful for. I knew then GOD WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME, because he’d carried me through so much! You never realize how blessed you are until you have tribulations & get through them! That’s nothing but GOD carrying you through.
When you start feeling like you don’t know what to do next, ask God to give you some direction. In due time he will reveal everything that needs to be seen.