Without Permission: Focused on ME
How could I want something so badly from someone else that I don’t even give myself. I have struggled with self-love for as long as I can remember. Not thinking I was pretty enough, thick enough, smart enough, some days I wouldn’t even want to go outside because I just didn’t feel pretty. There were only certain times I would go out because of whatever reason and other times I wouldn’t was because I didn’t think I was capable. It hurts me to say that I’m not 100% confident in myself, from looks to how I carry myself.
I’ve always wanted to make sure other people liked me or thought I was pretty or thought my outfit was cute. I have been “people pleasing” when I should have just been trying to please myself. But this is also apart of a bigger obstacle I struggle with, being alone. I never focused on myself because of a fear that if I did, I’d be alone, I’d have no friends, and that is what I didn’t want.
But now as I am focusing on my own self-actualization, it causes me to focus on my real true inner presence. The presence of the person I really am. Until the age of 24, I have never held myself and told myself “I love you”.
Right now whatever you’re doing wherever you are stop, wrap your arounds around yourself and tell yourself “I love you” and I want you to continue to do this everyday from here on out.
Now, I know I have been eagerly wanting something from others that I wasn’t even giving/wanting for myself.
In this moment, I’m okay that I’m alone. I’m alone right now because it’s vital. I must take this time to focus on myself. I’m alone right now to find out what truly makes me happy, what makes me smile, what makes me scared, what makes me sad. I’m alone for a reason, a reason that makes everything more clear. I’m alone because I have suppressed my identity and filled myself up with false notions of people pleasing and doing.
I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of, I have allowed myself to not go the extra mile because of an unknown fear. But in this time that I am alone, I’m finding out why I like the things I like, I’m finding peace within my words and walk, my thoughts and talk. I’m okay with losing unhealthy relationships and friendships because as I’m alone and focusing and centering my mind on myself the right people will be in my life.